A Dissertation on Rap Music

My excuse is that I'm a percussionist. I've been beating out rhythms on any available surface since I was old enough to coordinate my hand movements. It's in my blood, and therefore not my fault AT ALL that I occasionally indulge in some rap music. There is something about the beats and rhythms in a rap song that any percussionist and/or math freak can't help but crave.

So it's not my fault at all, you see, that I just happened to be listening to some soulful tunes on my way to work this morning.

Unfortunately, I'm in an analytical mood today, and the thing about rap music is this: the lyrics are ridiculous. All of them. I don't think I've ever heard a rap song that didn't contain some form of nonsensicality (yes I did just make up that word). As I listened to Nelly sing about the pair of shoes he just bought, and then about his "grill" (which my husband had to explain to me was some type of dental appliance and not something you char burgers on), I realized that rap songs seem to be comprised of the following components:

1. I have some hos
2. My clothes/shoes/dental appliances are great (and expensive)
3. I make more money than you
4. I like my car
5. My penis is 10 inches long
6. I am better than you
7. I am a gansta and could therefore kill you

This put visions in my head of a great financial endeavor I shall now undertake -- building a rap song generator! Before you laugh, hear me out. Have you ever seen those recipe sites where you select an ingredient from each of the categories, and then it combines it all and gives you a casserole recipe? I'm going to make the same type of thing for rap songs, and sell it to rap artists who are a little down on their luck and need to put out a quick album.

For example, one could choose "I go thumpin' with my bling bling on" from the Rap About My Clothing category, and there they've got a line that they can use and repeat throughout their upcoming greatest hit. Combine that with a "rollin' on my 20's" from the Rap About My Car category, and soon every little thug will be "rollin'" with the song on full blast.

In all seriousness, it was somewhat disappointing to me to realize how assinine the lyrics in nearly all of the rap songs I listen to are. I'm afraid my literary nerd voice will now have to battle it out with the little gansta in me every time I think about belting out "Give me two perrr! I want two perrr! So I can get to stompin' in my Errrrr Force Ones!"

I'm out.